Year End Report

What a year it was! I got rejected twice and a long time dream died, but it was still a good year. My last post was about my application to the Japanese Scholarship. Suffice it is to say, that was my first rejection. But the good news is that my friend got accepted. I was very happy for her however, I was sad for myself, and maybe a little envious of her good fortune. But life goes on and I was able to bounce back quickly because I had an alternative. I was going to apply for a scholarship to Germany. I had a hard time finishing my application to Germany because I was tired already. I was tired of chasing that dream but something pushed me on. I thought what if I did not apply, then I may never know if I could have made it or not. But I swore that it was going to be the last one. If I didn't get accepted, then no more applications. I'm not up to asking for another letter of recommendation from my college professor, I've been asking for letters of recommendation since 2001 and still no master's degree to show for. And no way was I going to go to HR and ask for another endorsement from the Chairman and have my plans talked about in the office, especially when they don't push through.

I finally had my papers in order before the October 15 deadline. In all my applications, this was the one I really worked hard on and the one where I really poured my heart and soul. And this was also the one where I never asked God for a sign. When I finally mailed my application, I strove not to think about it. I was quite successful because things were so hectic at work. We were preparing for an international conference. Then during the weekends, I had my German and yoga classes. It was also during this time that God was quiet. No signs, no verses, and no texts. So I thought, maybe it would be different from the previous ones, or maybe not. I was really trying to think positive because I felt that this could be it.

Then the fateful day arrived. It was the beginning of December and I have been checking my email everyday for any news from the school but so far nothing. It is my habit to attend mass on Wednesdays and Fridays, aside from the obligatory Sunday mass. While I was kneeling during the consecration, a thought popped into my mind, how was I going to make it in graduate school if I cannot even study well for my german language exam that was going to take place on the 8th and 15th of December. But I dismissed the thought quickly. Of course, I can make it work. I have to. So after the mass I went home with no idea that it was the day that something was going to die. I got home and my grandmother let me in. I saw a small stack of letters waiting, one was for me and the rest were for my mother. The envelope was very plain and very thin. When I saw the word "Luftpost" I knew that this was the answer. But the fact that the envelope was so thin, I knew that the answer was not the one that I wanted. Still, I made myself open it and read the contents of the letter. I even skipped the first part and went straight to the second paragraph that said I did not make it. What was more, it said that even if I financed myself, due to my ranking, I would still not be able get in. Yeah right, like I had enough money to finance a study in Europe. After I read it, I hurried upstairs because I did not want my grandmother to ask why I was crying. I really cried like my heart was breaking, writing this now, I still feel a little tearful. Anyway, when I was able to calm myself, I texted my bestfriend and told her about the news. She comforted me saying that maybe it was not God's will and that it was just my will all along. But what realyl struck me was when she said that, in truth, I was not really an industrious student. She echoed my earlier sentiment. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good student, I never had failing marks in my report cards and class cards, and I was even a sporadic dean's lister in college. But studying is really not my forte, as evidenced by four incomplete subjects when I tried taking up a master's degree.

With the death of that dream, I am now at loose ends. Before, my life was somewhat shaped by my desire to get a scholarship abroad, hence, my career path, working in government. It is easier to get a scholarship if you work for the government than when you work for a private company, but apparently, it's not true for me. Hehehe. Anyway, now I can think about applying outside government service. I still don't know what I will do. I'm still trying to seek God's will in my life. Maybe now I can see His will more clearly without the blinders of my desire to study abroad. I don't know if I should still pursue a master's degree here or what degree I should pursue because if I continue to stay at my current job, I need to get a graduate degree if I ever hope to get promoted.

Maybe this coming year will start me in the right path through God's leading. Maybe I'll finally be able to travel abroad and start my life's adventure. Maybe I can even now contemplate marrying, even without prospects for now. Hehehe. That's what life is all about, always hoping that tomorrow will be better than today, and that after every death, there is resurrection.